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"What are we doing here"??

What to Expect From Couples Therapy I saw this New Yorker cartoon back in the early '90s, when I was still a new therapist starting to dip my toe into the therapeutic world of couples work. The caption under this cartoon is funny, of course. One couple is referencing the process of home remodeling or construction. But underneath this tongue-in-cheek cartoon is a deeper, and more meaningful message — couples therapy is not a passive endeavor. Whether you're a newbie at couples

Anne Parkford

Jul 184 min read

"How can I Stop Myself"?

Taking a Time-Out: Some Guidelines for Couples

October 2026

The best way to stop an emotional argument with your partner from escalating is a formal time-out. When we're upset, the amygdala can override the rational prefrontal cortex and push us into survival mode: fight, flight, or freeze. A time-out keeps that from happening. At least that’s the goal.

Either partner can call a time-out by saying "time-out," making the "T" hand signal, or using any agreed-upon word or gesture that doesn't upset either person.It sounds easy, but it’s not. Still, with practice and a shared commitment to handling conflict better, couples can do it. I've seen it work again and again working with couples in my practice.When in the heat of conflict with your partner, it always helps to slow down, take a breath, and pause. Some Buddhist teachers call this the "sacred pause" because it grounds us in the present moment and helps us be more fully ourselves. As the well-known saying goes, "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response." Pausing before a conflict escalates lets us respond from our higher self, our "wise adult."Terry Real, founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), outlines 10 rules for a healthy time-out. Followed correctly, these guidelines help partners step away from a heated fight and come back calm and thoughtful.

A time-out typically lasts 20 minutes, though couples can agree on a different length (just not too long). When that time is up, you must check back in, either in person or by phone. You can't simply drop the issue unless you both agree to. Checking in doesn't mean you have to resume the conversation. You can say you need more time or agree to try again. If either partner isn't ready, set a new interval.Each extension gets longer. The recommended intervals between check-ins are:

•Twenty minutes •One to two hours •Half a day. •A whole day

Here is my edited version of Terry Real’s “10 commandments of time outs in a relationship”:*

1. Use time-outs as a circuit breaker

A time-out is a rip stop; it is the cord you pull to stop a runaway train. It’s a brake, the thing you use to HALT an interaction that either has crossed over into or is quickly crossing over into, dangerous ground. Time outs have one job and one job only – to abruptly stop a psychologically harmful or unconstructive interaction between you and your partner. Once those destructive words are spoken, it’s hard to take them back.

2. Call time-outs using "I"

A time-out is about me, not you. I call one when I don't like how I'm feeling or what I'm doing (or about to do). Whether you think you're behaving badly, or that things between us are going badly, is up to you to decide. In other words, you’re not calling a time out ON them, but on yourself and how you’re feeling or acting, not because of anything they did. How you see your own behavior is your business. You stay in your own lane and speak from the “I”

3. Take distance responsibly

Time outs are obviously a form of distance taking, and like all forms of distance-taking there are two ways to do it – provocatively or responsibly.

Responsible distance-taking has two pieces to it:

An explanation
A promise of return

So it’s like: “This is why I need distance right now and this is when I intend on coming back.”

Provocative distance taking, by contrast, has neither – you just take the distance without any explanation or taking care of your partner’s anxieties about your leaving. Provocative distance-taking can also be seen as incompetent distance-taking since it tends to get you chased. Another kind of provocative distance-taking is making it your partner’s fault that you must leave. Or telling them they need a time out! This doesn’t encourage resolution; it usually heightens the conflict. None of these kinds of time outs work well at all.

4. Use the phrase (time out) or the gesture (the “T” sign) as an abbreviation.

It’s often said that there are times when, if you open your mouth to speak, demons will fly out. You may not be able to control that. What is always under your control is the ability to turn your heel and leave. It’s also in your control to do this maturely. “Separation with love”. Taking distance with compassion and care for the relationship.

The phrase “time out” or the T sign as a gesture are abbreviations for the following phrase:

To your partner: “Listen, no matter how you may be feeling or assessing things, I don’t like how I’m doing, and I don’t trust what I am about to do. So, I’m taking some time to regain my composure, and I will be back to you when I do.” You relay to the partner that you care about managing this conflict and not allowing it to escalate further.

5. Don’t let yourself get stopped

Timeouts are unilateral. They are your last-ditch effort to avoid immature words or actions. Unlike virtually every other Couple’s tool, time-out’s a non-negotiable declaration – “I’m leaving.” But it is how you do it that is important. You never leave without saying those things – why you need to leave and when you will regroup.

You’re not asking permission and you cannot allow yourself to be stopped. Don’t call a time-out and stand there to keep talking! Leave. Leave the room and go into another–a bedroom for example–and close the door.

If your partner won’t leave you alone, then leave the house – with or without the kids, your call. Go down the block for a cup of coffee.

If your partner physically blocks you from leaving call the police, have them come to assist you.

6. Use check-ins at prescribed intervals

Since you’re not using a time-out to punish your partner but rather to calm things down, it is critical that you check in with your partner from time to time to take the emotional temperature between you. If your time-out interval is more than an hour, the suggested intervals of checking in are:

1 hour
3 hours
a half day
a whole day
overnight

Check-ins can be done in person although you can check in by phone or even by texting.

.7. Remember your goal

Time-outs exist to stop hurtful, immature, destructive behavior, and that goal comes before everything else. It’s damage control. Better communication and compromise matter, but they can't happen until the nasty exchanges stop. No point you want to make is more important than calling a time-out.

8. Return in good faith

End a time-out only when you're both calm enough to interact positively again. Don't come back holding a grudge, or you'll just start fighting again. Return when you're truly ready to make peace.

9. Wait 24 hours before revisiting the topic

Many couples make the mistake of rehashing the fight right after a time-out. Instead, just be kind to each other. Offer a hug or a cup of tea. Leave the triggering topic alone for at least 24 hours.

10. Know when to get help

If a certain topic, like kids, sex, or money, always leads to a fight, get outside help to discuss it, such as a counselor, therapist, or minister. And if you're calling time-outs often, consider ongoing couples therapy

I hope these tools for responsible leave-taking I the midst of a heating and escalating fight are helpful. And don’t worry that it’s difficult, no one finds this easy at first. Good luck! - Anne

*You can find Terry Real's original version on his website TerryReal.com.